


Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration

by Wonderfulworld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A little bit of angst, Bad at communicating, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Hermione is oblivious, Humor, Idiots in Love, Post Hogwarts, hips don't lie, kinda friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26047450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderfulworld/pseuds/Wonderfulworld
Summary: A fic where Draco innocently tries to understand muggle stuff but Hermione is too horny to notice.Will probably write a better summary at some point. I'm bad at this, please help me.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> That feeling when you've read so much American fanfiction you have to go back and britpick your own work. Even though you're a born and raised Briton.

Hermione Granger was almost 26 and living alone other than her ancient cat. She had decided she was now too old to go day drinking, even if Ron continued to invite her weekly, and too young to join a bingo club. This left her Saturday mornings empty. 

Ginny had suggested dating, she even listed off wizards and described each more “perfect for her” than the last. Hermione had done her fair share of awkwardly attempting an activity that she’d never do under normal circumstances only to go home alone. Or worse, have to sneak out the next morning. The idea of struggling through the first few months of dating with the cringing and the stories of childhood trauma and the meeting disapproving parents made her feel a little queasy and so she left her weekends open. 

Considering how busy she was between work, volunteering and babysitting for the Weasley-Potters at least one night a week, it was only logical that Saturdays became dubbed “Shopping Day” (She was brainstorming a better name for it). The closest shopping center was only a street over from an apparation point and not only had a large supermarket but also a range of other shops she could happily waste her time and hard earned money in. 

~ 

It was on a Saturday morning, at exactly 11:03, that Hermione pushed her trolley around the corner into the drinks aisle and almost ran into a recognisable, if not surprising, tall and handsome blond. Draco Malfoy didn’t notice her, his eyes scouring the shelves as he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “bloody pumpkin juice”. She could’ve backed away slowly without him noticing but it seemed an unnecessary precaution. They had been friendly-ish for years now, running into each other at weddings, work events and baby showers. There was little animosity between them since the night a drunk Draco had sobbed apologies into her favourite cardigan as she patted him on the back. It seemed they both considered their behaviour that night a little embarrassing and had silently decided to never mention it to anyone. 

“They don’t sell pumpkin juice.” Hermione was still stuck behind her trolley, hands gripping the bars as Draco’s head turned to her in shock. 

“Why not?” Draco looked like a petulant child for a moment and Hermione smiled, manoeuvring her trolley so she could stand next to him. 

“Because it’s disgusting. Of all the fruits to squeeze into juice why on earth did wizards pick  _ Pumpkin? _ ” Hermione pulled a face of disgust and Draco smiled at her before shrugging and leaning forward to grab an apple juice instead. 

“I’m guessing Firewhisky is a no-go too?” Draco dropped the apple juice container into his half full basket and looked at her with a small smile curling his lips. 

“Unfortunately, yes.” Hermione admitted with a grimace and Draco sighed. “But they do have their own alternatives!” Draco raised an eyebrow and looked at her intrigued. 

Moments later Hermione found herself standing in front of an aisle of strong alcohol, with an uncharacteristically eager Malfoy by her side. After pointing out the pink gin and explaining its purpose, she realised that attractive pureblood bachelors probably weren’t as reliant on it as she was. She nodded an awkward goodbye, pushed her trolley down the aisle and peeked over her shoulder to watch Draco reach up and grab a bottle of Smirnoff with a mischievous grin on his face. 

~ 

The next week she wandered into the biscuit aisle at exactly 11:17 only to find Malfoy’s bright blond head examining the bottom row of products as he crouched in front of the shelves. She pushed her trolley past him, wincing as the wheel squeaked loudly, and reached up to pull down three packs of Jaffa Cakes (a personal favourite of 3 year old James Potter). Draco tilted his head up and spotted her. 

“Be honest, Granger.” He pulled a box off the shelf and held it up to her. “Are these any good?” 

Hermione looked down at the colourful wrappings and laughed. Draco Malfoy was asking for her opinion on Party Rings. 

“Kids love them. They’re basically 80% sugar.” She said as she watched him inspect the packaging again and then shrug. 

“So… they’re exactly what a biscuit is meant to be.” Draco teased as he took two large boxes of them and dropped them into his own trolley. Hermione rolled her eyes as he stood up and stretched his arms. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Granger. I’m cursed with a sweet tooth.” He looked at her over his shoulder as he ticked something off his shopping list. She looked surprised for a moment before replying. 

“But you bear your burdens in life so well!” She was practically dripping with sarcasm and he laughed softly, shaking his head as he walked away up the aisle, one of the left wheels spinning around wildly. 

~ 

The week after, Draco appeared suddenly behind her as she stretched onto the tips of her toes to reach the laundry detergent. He stepped a little closer, pressing his shoulder against her own, and breathed out slowly. Then he reached an arm up, grabbed the box and examined it for a moment. Hermione dropped back to her normal height and reached out a hand to take it from him but he tucked it under his arm, smirked at her and then walked off to the till. 

~ 

On the fourth week, Draco was waiting for her by the entrance, flicking through a tabloid magazine and smiling to himself. She picked up a basket (only a small shop that week) and walked over to him. 

“How does Shakira know that hips don’t lie?” Draco said and closed the magazine, rolling it up. Hermione just looked up at him, speechless. “Is she referring to just her own or did she come to that conclusion through some sort of consensus?” He tucked the magazine under his arm and waited for Hermione to answer. He had a smug smirk on his lips, clearly from the way Hermione was opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. She shook her head quickly. 

“How do you know who Shakira is?” She asked him and he chuckled, turning and walking down the aisle behind them. Hermione walked quickly to catch up with him. 

“I heard the song playing in here so I typed what I could remember into my computer and now it starts playing whenever I turn it on.” Hermione stopped following him. Not only was the man making pop culture references, he owned a computer and used it to listen to Muggle music. Hermione jogged over to him again. By the time she caught up Draco had dropped a pint of milk into his basket and he smirked at her. 

“Since when did you listen to Muggle music?” Hermione pulled her own pint of milk down and he chuckled. 

“I’m a complicated man, Granger. I have many layers.” Draco raised his eyebrows and she squinted up at him suspiciously. 

“Actually, I’m glad you bought it up.” Hermione started saying but he turned to walk down the aisle. 

“I didn’t.” Hermione ignored his interruption as she followed him down the aisle again. 

“Why is Draco Malfoy doing his weekly shopping in a Muggle supermarket?” 

“I’m a very talented wizard, Granger, but even I have to adhere to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration.” He stopped suddenly as they passed the biscuit aisle and crouched down to grab three packs of Party Rings. Hermione scoffed a little. 

“Those are really bad for you.” Draco straightened up again, dropping the Party Rings into his basket and raising a single eyebrow at her. He looked down and patted his rock hard stomach muscles and she blushed a little as he replied. 

“I’m sure you’re well aware how quidditch keeps wizards in shape, Granger. Don’t worry about me.” Hermione turned red and stormed off in the opposite direction. He watched her go, grinning to himself. 

She finished the rest of her shopping, finally losing the flush in her cheeks as she dropped a pack of Haribo into her basket. 

“You know those are really bad for you?” Hermione looked up as Draco’s draw to see him leaning against a shelf behind her. He pulled an over dramatic shocked face. “Sugar!” Draco nodded widely. “Crazy stuff, right?” 

Hermione exhaled quickly and then walked past him towards the tills. He chuckled and then stumbled a little to catch up with her. 

“This is actually a great coincidence. I forgot my card and Muggle money is too complicated for me.” Hermione sighed at him as she started unloading her shopping onto the conveyor belt. 

“Muggle money is easy.” Hermione murmured at him and smiled at the woman behind the till.

“Yeah, but I’m not the brightest witch of my age am I?” Draco said quietly and rolled his eyes, pulling his wallet from his trousers. “Brightest Wizard? That’s more likely.” Hermione couldn’t fight her smile and grinned up at him. He flashed his bright white teeth at her as if surprised by her reaction. 

They stood in silence as the woman scanned Hermione’s shopping and Hermione packed it away into bags. She swiped her card but hesitated to leave so instead stood a little ways off. As the woman finished scanning Draco’s shopping she watched the first thirty seconds of him attempting to count out coins before she rushed over, dropped her bags to the floor and slapped his hands away from the wallet. Draco held his hands up quickly as if in surrender and the woman studied them with confusion. Hermione blushed red as she stuffed the coins back in and pulled out a few notes instead. 

“Doesn’t understand British sterling yet.” Hermione said quickly. The woman still looked confused until Hermione clarified. “American.” 

“Oh.” Both women looked at Draco and his eyes widened with fear, he spluttered for a moment and blushed. 

“Um...Y’all.” He drawled in a surprisingly accurate impression of a deep southern American accent and then looked confused by his own voice. Hermione choked on a laugh and he smiled hesitantly at her as she handed over the notes and bent to pick up her own shopping. Draco suddenly leapt into action, collecting his own bags and following Hermione as she left. He caught up and glared at her. 

“You realise I have to fix myself an American accent every time I go there now?” Hermione sniggered. “Oh, yeah. Laugh it up!” Hermione laughed even harder at his indignation and then bent over in peals of laughter when the handle on one of his bags broke and the contents when spilling everywhere. 

“I’ll see you next week, Malfoy!” Hermione managed to say around her laugh as she watched him crawl after an orange that was rolling away from him. 

“No, you won’t!” Draco shouted playfully at her retreating figure as he stuffed the loose food back into a bag with working handles. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally remembered this fluffy nonsense, just checking if anyone's still interested in it. xx

Hermione had almost finished her shop when she finally spotted Malfoy, chatting to an elderly woman in the tins and cans aisle. The woman was riding along on a mobility scooter and Draco was pushing a trolley along beside her, pulling things down from shelves and placing them in the trolley when she pointed at them. Hermione didn’t approach him and although she felt that perhaps her behaviour was dangerously close to stalking she followed a little ways behind the two. It almost gave Hermione whiplash, thinking of the snide boy she had gone to school with against the man peering intently at a photo of the woman’s grandchildren. 

He didn’t spot her until she was queuing with her shopping and he skipped to the front of the line to stand beside her. Several people in the line behind her raised their eyebrows at the obvious disregard for the unspoken British rules about queue etiquette but settled again once he started talking to Hermione. 

“I don’t mean to toot my own horn but Mrs Jones called me a lovely boy and said she wished her granddaughter would settle with a nice guy like me.” Hermione raised an eyebrow at him and he grinned. “Her granddaughter plays the cello so clearly my stock has gone up recently. Pansy couldn’t play  _ any _ string instruments.” Hermione swiped her card and picked up her bags. 

“Malfoy, you’re making me practically mad with jealousy.” Hermione’s tone inferred that she was anything  _ but  _ jealous. Even if the flutter in her stomach suggested differently. “How do you do it?” Draco shrugged modestly. 

“Just a fair combination of great hair, brilliant bone structure and the confidence that comes with having a massive…” Hermione hadn’t waited for his answer and was already walking out the door. “Oh it was rhetorical! You’re funny!” He called after her and Hermione looked over her shoulder to roll her eyes at him as the doors slid shut behind her. 

~ 

Hermione stood in the health and beauty aisle, looking up and down twice and over her shoulder before finally reaching her hand up to a pack of tampons. 

“I was thinking of investing in jeans.” Malfoy’s voice announced from somewhere behind her. Hermione jumped, practically throwing the box in the air before turning around with wide eyes, still breathing swiftly from the shock. “I didn’t scare you, did I?” Hermione gripped the box, her eyes still wide as she shook her head from side to side. He looked at her with more amusement than concern before his eyes flicked down to the product in her hands and then back up to her face. At this Hermione quickly stashed the box into her basket before holding her head up high and looking him directly in the eye. 

“You mentioned something about jeans?” Hermione attempted at casual interest, leaning back slightly and misjudging the distance to the shelf and stumbling slightly. Draco looked at her with increasing concern as he continued. 

“Yes… Blaise mentioned them.” His attention was drawn away from her weird behaviour to his own fashion endeavours. “I’m not sure how well they would suit me necessarily, I’ve always been more formal if I’m honest-”

“You should!” Hermione almost shouted it, the combination of pre-period sexual frustration and a certain tall, blonde man looking at her with concern in his eyes was more than she could bear. “You should definitely- definitely buy some if- if you’d be interested in that.” Her speech slowed steadily as she spoke until she almost trailed off. This didn’t deter Draco whose eyes remained practically lit up with excitement. 

“Do you want to come?” Draco was almost bouncing on the balls of his feet. “I haven’t been muggle shopping yet. Oh, we can get food afterwards! Blaise told me that Old McDonald’s has a farm that does amazing burgers.”

“Oh. Ummm.” None of Hermione’s weekend plans involved babysitting an overeager Slytherin, instead she would prefer to spend the afternoon in her own home, imagining the denim clad Malfoy in the privacy of her own four walls.

“Are you busy?”

“No.” She had never been a good liar.

“Great. Finish your shopping and let's go.” Maybe seeing it in person wouldn’t be too bad anyway. 

She was wrong. It was awful. For the last forty-two minutes of her life Hermione Granger had sat on a chair outside the men’s dressing room and watched as Draco Malfoy, her ex-bully and now unnecessarily attractive acquaintance (Acquaintance? Shopping buddy? Main feature in recent dreams she definitely had not revisited?) strutted around in different well-fitting trousers. Every time he would open the curtain with a flourish, hold his arms out as if to say ‘just how much  _ do  _ you want to shag me, Granger?’ and then stride over to the closest mirror before turning to ask for Hermione’s opinion. Every time she would gape like a fish before pretending to ignore him until he rolled his eyes and instead asked for the advice of the flirty assistant. 

By the time he finished; three pairs of jeans picked out, each better fitting than the last, Hermione was practically sobbing for her bed and a large glass of wine. She waved goodbye to him swiftly, as soon as they left the confines of the shop, and walked away with purpose. Resolutely not turning to see the disappointment covering his face for a moment. 

~

The next week she was more in her right mind; back to her usual self and stubbornly deciding that she wouldn’t, under any circumstances, leave the supermarket with Malfoy. 

“I need new shirts.” 

Hermione had heard the squeak of his shoes on the linoleum floors before he spoke up and so took her time, examining the box of teabags in her hand before turning to face him. 

“Good luck?” She quirked an eyebrow and then turned to reshelf the box. She heard him walk down the aisle in silence but shrugged off his strangeness. 

She was in the jars/cans aisle when he presumably finished his lap of the shop and stood beside her. He huffed out a sigh and she rolled her eyes before facing him again. “Can I help you, Malfoy?” 

“No, I wouldn’t want to bother you.” His meek tone of voice didn’t fool her and she pressed her lips together before attempting to cross her arms over her chest whilst still gripping her half full basket. 

“It’s no trouble.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude.” 

“You’re not intruding.” 

“No. Really. It’s your weekend.” 

“For fuck’s sake, Malfoy!” An older woman gasped at the other end of the aisle and then dragged her grandchild away. Malfoy blushed for a second and Hermione scowled at him internally. “What is it?” 

“Can I buy your shopping?” His eyes avoided hers as he said it and skipped along the shelf behind her before settling at her tattered trainers. 

“I beg your pardon?” She held her basket to her chest and squinted at him. His pink cheeks turned a darker shade and he cleared his throat. “You’re not having my shopping, Malfoy.”

“No.” He chuckled and finally made eye contact. “Can I purchase it? You can keep it.” She cocked her head at him. 

“Why?” 

“Don’t be difficult about this, Granger. You get free food for the week and I… Well, you’d be doing me a favour.” She inspected his face for signs of manipulation but he seemed genuine. 

“Fine, but I want an explanation first.” His entire body seemed to clench at once, his shoulders shooting to his ears as he examined her suspiciously. 

“What?” 

“An explanation, I want to know why. Why are you being so weird?” 

“What are you a bloody Ravenclaw? Maybe I’m just trying to be nice.” She scoffed at that and he seemed to relax. “I’ll tell you after.” She squinted at him. “Promise.” 

“Well, alright.” His face lit up and he reached for her basket but she slapped his hand away. “If you’re buying I can at least splurge for those fancy tea bags.” He seemed even happier at that news and practically skipped alongside her the rest of the trip. 

Hermione hesitated at the till, eyes widening for a second at the total. Malfoy had been very encouraging about adding unnecessary treats to her basket and she could feel her grandmother turning in her grave at the three kinds of branded cereal being scanned. Malfoy seemed less smug and more relieved when he handed over the cash and carefully folded up the receipt to slide into his wallet. Hermione waited until they’d left the shop before turning to him. 

“Explain.” His fingers tightened around the bags he’d insisted on holding for her and he swallowed heavily before grinning. 

“Let’s get lunch.” He started walking off towards the food court and Hermione grumbled before jogging after him. 

“Malfoy!” When she finally reached him, he grinned down at her. 

“Granger.” 

“You promised.”

“Ah, Slytherin. Sorry.” He started walking again but she jumped in front of him. 

“The more you avoid this, the more intrigued I become.” He sighed and looked up as if he were going to roll his eyes but thought better of it. 

“I’ll explain at lunch.” 

“Will you actually explain at lunch or will you manage to weasel your way out of it?” His lips twitched for a moment at the word weasel but then he grimaced and shook his head. “No, you won’t explain or no you-“ 

“I won’t be-  _ weaseling _ my way out of anything.” Hermione squinted at him and then wrestled with her bags to hold her hand out to him. He sighed dramatically and then did the same before taking her hand shaking it and then dragging her by it towards the collection of restaurants. 

~ 

Hermione refused to touch her fries until Malfoy was sitting across from her with his own and glared at him as he immediately took a large bite from his burger. She kicked his shin and he paused chewing to frown pointedly at her. He chewed quicker and then swallowed. 

“What? Don’t assault me while I’m eating.” 

“Don’t lie to me and then I won’t assault you.” He rolled his eyes, put his burger down and patted his lips with a paper napkin before looking under the table at her bags before sitting up straight again. 

“Will your shopping be okay?” 

“Undetectable cooling charm.” He hummed in approval and clicked his tongue. 

“I’m-” His eyebrows furrowed for a second and he squinted at her. “You won’t tell anyone?” 

“Am I complicit in your crime now?” Her voice was teasing but he shrugged and her eyes widened in horror for a second. He chuckled and shook his head. 

“The opposite.” He pointed a fry at her and then ate it quickly. “As you probably know, I managed to dodge Azkaban.” His eyebrows furrowed. “By the skin of my teeth.” He wasn’t looking at her, instead inspecting a spot directly above her left ear. “I'm on parole; limited magic, curfews, certain restrictions on the kind of people I can contact etc etc. You understand?” It was rhetoric but Hermione nodded sincerely. “And part of my terms was proving myself to be a tolerant citizen, capable of living like a muggle. And so-“ he pulled his wallet from his jeans and waved the receipt for her shopping in the air. 

“Why couldn’t you use your own receipt?” 

“I haven’t gone shopping this week.” He said plainly and she sat forward in her seat and raised an eyebrow. He continued at her look. “I don’t need any more food.” 

“You’re being purposefully obtuse.” She said, fighting a smile and pulling her Ron-stop-eating-for-a-bloody-second-this-is-serious face. 

“Am not.” He muttered but his ears turned pink. He took a large bite of burger, chewed and swallowed with a thoughtful look. “You won’t laugh?” 

“I’m sure I can control myself.” 

“I can’t cook.” It wasn’t funny but she took a large bite of burger to cover the somewhat malicious grin covering her face. “You’re laughing!” He accused, but didn’t seem too offended. Hermione shook her head frantically and took another bite of burger, gesturing for him to go on. 

“I’ve bought all this food over the last few weeks and- well I’ve now realised that I don’t know what to do with it.” 

“You don’t know what to do… with food?” Her mouth twisted as she tried to keep her face emotionless. 

“Oh, fuck you Granger.” He shook his head and started on his fries again. 

“What have you been eating for the past…” She trailed off, not entirely sure how long it’d been since they’d first run into each other. 

“2 months.” He shrugged even as her mouth dropped open in astonishment. “Takeaway mostly. Sometimes mother sends care packages with warm charms.” 

“You’ve been living off takeaway for 2 months?!” He smiled mischievously even as her voice rose. “Do you understand how bad that must be for you?!” 

“Oh, stop worrying yourself about my health. I’m in perfectly good shape.” Her eyes flicked over his arms and torso and then back to his face. He didn’t miss her blush and grinned wider. She shook her head and fixed him with a distinctly Granger look. 

“Are you planning on learning how to cook?”

“I do know how to cook, a little. Just not, without magic.” He avoided her gaze, obviously a little embarrassed again. 

“Oh.” Hermione looked almost disappointed but said nothing else as they finished their meal in silence. She still seemed to be internally debating when he helped her carry her bags to the apparition point. 

“I can teach you.”

“What?” 

“To cook. I’ll teach you to cook. If you want.” He swallowed and then nodded. 

“I’d like that.” 


End file.
